"Have the courage to live the life that you've imagined"
Throughout my life, I have tried SO many different times to do just that: to live like a follower of Jesus Christ, to act like a Distinguished Young Women, to make a difference every day. Many times, in fact, every week, I would rededicate myself to living my life like who I wanted to be. Sunday would come around again, I would look back on my efforts, notice all the times that I had fallen short of my goal, and rededicate myself again, telling myself that this week was the week that I would live my life how I imagined.
This continued all throughout high school, throughout my first semester of college, and to a lesser degree, my second semester of college. And it was Friday of last week that I realized that I'd been doing things all wrong.
"If you're waiting for perfect conditions to accomplish anything, you'll never get anything done"
Yep. I'd been waiting for my life to be perfect. I would scoff at my efforts because by the end of the week, I wasn't perfect. I would say to myself, "Oh, I shouldn't have said that to this person," or "I got a bad grade on my test. I can do better than that." Somehow, I got it into my head that in order to truly follow Christ, I had to be successful in everything that I did.
And now, I have finally realized that being perfect and being successful at everything do not make you successful in life or a follower of Jesus Christ. It is by giving our lives up to Christ that we truly follow Him.
About two weeks ago on a Sunday morning, I walked up to the Provo temple before church. I had just enough time before sacrament meeting to make it to the temple parking lot. I stood there on the sidewalk, facing the temple as the birds were chirping, the sun reflecting off of the mountains and the temple, and the leaves blowing in the trees. I prayed, standing on that sidewalk, for one thing: for my life to be dedicated to Christ. I asked that I would lose my life in Him. I've prayed for this before, but never sincerely. Never humbly. Never with any real power. This time, it was real. I felt the Spirit overwhelmingly confirm that the Lord had heard my prayer, and from that moment forward, He was about to start doing something newly remarkable with my life. This was my first moment of change.
After we have a powerful spiritual experience, Satan will try to drag us down.
Yeah, it was funny because Monday and Tuesday of that week were great. I could feel the Spirit working in my life. I felt strong, and accomplished all of the things on my to-do list. But I hadn't really gotten the "big picture" yet. After Tuesday night, I hit rock bottom. Please don't be alarmed, it's normal for teenagers (even if their in college) to have random spouts of severe depression. I completely was in the depths of despair. I felt like a complete and total failure, largely due to my fruitless efforts to get good grades on my Chinese quizzes and to feel proficient in the language at all.
"God brings us low, so that He can raise us higher"
Thursday night, I was largely inconsolable. So I did the one thing that I know how to do best: I went to the temple. There, I received answers. Comfort. A reconfirmation of my Savior's love.
But, "sometimes, when we wonder where God is while we're going through something hard, we need to remember: the teacher is always quiet during a test"
I wasn't immediately filled with peace, joy, and happiness. Weeping endured the night, but I am confident that my Savior was right by my side. How He suffered all of my pain, all of your pain, and all of the pains of every single human being that has ever and ever will live on this earth in the Garden of Gethsemane, I cannot even begin to comprehend. He had a perfect understanding of the exact pain I was feeling that night, because He had felt that same pain. How grateful I am for a perfect Being that can love unconditionally, who loved me so much that He would suffer my pains so that He could be with me that night. And always.
Friday, just as it always does, the answer came. Honestly, not in a way that I had expected. Never underestimate the power of missionary work. If you know a missionary serving in the field, write to them. Ask them for advice. Remind them that they are amazing. Share spiritual lessons with them, spiritual experiences with them, and share your testimony with them. In return, they will give you a wealth of knowledge and spiritual power untold.
To make a long story short, a letter came from my best friend, who had entered the Missionary Training Center one week prior. It was his first letter I received. And it turns out that we we're learning a lot of the same lessons. Thankfully, his didn't involve despairing.
To quote from his letter:
"Right after the fireside we watched a recording of Elder Bednar's 2011 Christmas Day Devotional. The topic was the character of Christ. Elder Bednar explained how Christ turned out every time the natural man would have turned in. He turned out when Satan tempted Him three times to turn in and use His power for Himself. His last day, He only ever prayed for others. And after He had suffered the immense pains of the Atonement and the disappointment of friends sleeping/betraying Him, He turned out and healed the guard's ear. His character was to turn out in compassion. And that's what I want to do.
I've changed my purpose. I'm no longer here to become a better person. I'm here to serve others by inviting them to come unto Christ. I need to lose my life in order to find it. The blessings for myself will come if I stop looking so hard for them." -Elder Joseph Scott Lawrence, Stockholm, Sweden Mission
Yeah, that was it. I've changed my purpose. I'm no longer at BYU, no longer studying Chinese, no longer working as an RA, not longer serving others to become a better person, I'm doing it to come unto Christ. To show that I believe in Him, that I believe on His name. I've sat down and told myself that "I am going to change" thousands of times, but this time, it was real. Because I stopped trying to change myself. I let the Lord change me.
Honestly, from that moment forward until right now (and it will continue) my life has been changed. Nothing extraordinary has happened in my life. I haven't magically become fluent in Chinese, aced any of my Chinese tests, had some huge surprise etc. I've simply stopped striving to become some great, perfect person, and have simply focused on who I am now, where I'm going, and what I can do right now, exactly where I am, to serve the Lord.
"As you take the normal opportunities of your everyday life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world inside of you"- Dieter F. Uchtdorf
For the past week, I have focused on making my everyday life one of beauty. Every time I've felt down, I've looked outward. If I felt anxious, upset, scared, lonely, I reached out. In small ways. And I have seen miracles happen in my life. I have seen my prayers answered. I have had the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost.
No, I've still made mistakes. I got a bad grade on my Chinese dialogue, I didn't get everything accomplished on my to-do list. But, I am positive that everything that I have done has been in keeping with the Lord's plan, that everything is working out as intended. That my prayers to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord and to answer others prayers have, and are, being answered.
"This is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God" -Alma 29:29
There is so much power in my life now. So much Spirit. I have been the benefactor of so many miracles. And have had the opportunity to perform miracles for others. In small ways, such small ways, but:
"Be not weary of well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. Out of small things proceedeth that which is great" -Doctrine and Covenants 64:33
Every morning when I wake up, I freak out. That today will be the day that I mess up. That I'll stop living the life that I've imagined. That I'll have to rededicate myself, that I'll have to start over again. Today, when I was sure that today was the day that I was going to mess up (and didn't) I came to another realization: that won't happen. I have the choice.
Every day when I wake up, I have the choice to accept the Spirit, to accept Christ's loving guidance in my life, no matter what is happening: trial or joyful day ahead. I have the choice to have a good or bad attitude, to make a difference, to focus outward. I have the choice to look at what I deem failures as learning experiences. I can choose how to spend my time. I can choose to put people first. I can choose to not worry about school, and trust that if I am diligent, I will accomplish all that I need. In short, I'm not going to mess up unless I choose to.
And what would messing up be? It would not be a failure, not an absolute halt in my progress and indicator that my life has gone astray. Nope, it would simply give me the opportunity to pause, look back down the mountain, see the progress that I had made, and keep moving forward.
Don't judge yesterday's mistakes with today's knowledge.
Nope, just don't do it. There will be many more times in my life where I will have great moments of change, great moments of conversion (which is not so ironically what I'm teaching in Sunday School tomorrow). But I never need to look back on the past times in my life and think, "wow! I was dumb. I made SO many mistakes." Nope, because every step I took with that knowledge brought me to the path I am on now. We're given learning and understanding, "line upon line, precept upon precept."
As long as I hold to Christ, there's no way I can truly fail. It will not be through bad test scores, unaccomplished to-do lists, or dishes left undone that I lose the Spirit in my life. It will be when I allow myself to despair, when I do not make the effort to let the Spirit guide my life that I will need to repent. I'm scared for when this happens, but the longer you live with the Spirit, the easier it is to pick yourself back up.
"You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in. You get a second chance, every second"
Oh, and another note: I don't need to prove to anyone that I'm great; I already am! I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father. I was created in His image, with a noble birthright, with the potential to one day become like Him. Which makes me, a princess.
Truly, "Happily ever after is not something found only in fairy tales. You are princesses destined to become queens. Your wondrous story has already begun. Your once upon a time is now." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf
But, as in every fairy tale, "every Cinderella has her midnight" -Thomas S. Monson
My time on earth is not about me proving to others that I'm great or meeting some arbitrary set of standards I've created for myself. It's about me shining my light, and sharing my worth with others.
"We believe in and are counting on your goodness and your strength, your propensity for virtue and valor, your kindness and courage, your strength and resilience. We believe in your mission as women of God... We believe that the Church simply will not accomplish what it must without your faith and faithfulness, your innate tendency to put the well-being of others ahead of your own, and your spiritual strength and tenacity. And we believe that God's plan is for you to become queens and to receive the highest blessings any woman can receive in time or eternity" -M. Russell Ballard
So, that's my life. Forgive me if you feel that I overstepped my bounds in being too personal. I don't feel that way at all- I feel like I was honest. I felt very strongly that I needed to share some of my experiences, in hopes that they can help someone else. I hope that the lessons I have learned may bless the lives of others. It's time to turn my life outward. As long as that is my focus, the Spirit will guide me, and I will not stray from the path. I will truly continue to live the life that I have imagined, no matter where the Lord takes me.
What an amazing insight. It was truly inspiring for me to read through all this. You are such an example!! :)
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